12 Hacks Married Couples Can Try To Bring Back the Magic of Their First Year of Dating

I once read that part of the reason so many of us are into nostalgia is it gives us the ability to “control happiness” in the sense of being able to focus on memories that make us feel good. That said, even if your first date wasn’t absolute perfection, the newness of it all probably still caused you to feel some level of curiosity and excitement, right?

So, why not recreate your first date? Either go to the exact location of it and literally do it all over again or discuss with your spouse what you both wish you could go back and do differently — and literally do that. Just talking about what your relationship was like when you first started spending quality time together is enough to create some much-needed warm fuzzies.

You know how the beginning of a relationship is — you can’t seem to get enough of each other. And that’s a big part of the reason why dates were probably more consistent. That said, something that the pandemic revealed is long-term couples only spend 2 1/2 hours a day max with one another (weekends included). My takeaway here is, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been with your spouse, you could always stand to spend more time with them. One way to do that is to continue dating.

So yeah, plan some monthly dates. You know what they say — we prioritize what matters to us and even if the date has to be at home, out of 30 (or 31) days of the month, surely the two of you can find a couple of hours to just … be together. After all, I’m pretty sure that the two of you were busy back when you were single and you still made a way to get some quality time in. Again, where there’s a will, there is a way.

Some people say that they hate surprises. Yeah, I’m not convinced. Personally, I think that anyone who feels that way only does so because the surprises that they’ve experienced in the past haven’t been the best ones. Besides, what I mean here is that you should surprise your spouse by doing thoughtful things. Surprise them with their favorite lunch at work. Surprise them with a hotel reservation in their email inbox. Surprise them with tickets to their favorite game or concert.

The thing that I like about surprises is, not only do they let your partner know that they are on your mind and that you want to put a smile on their face, it also brings a sense of adventure into the relationship. If you never really know what to expect but you know whatever it is, it’s gonna be good — how can you not love that being a part of your marriage?

Not only does kissing feel really good, it’s good for your health, too. It reduces stress and anxiety, helps to lower your blood pressure, relieves headaches, boosts your endorphins, increases your libido — and that’s just the tip of the iceberg (wink). Whether you had sex on your first date or waited until your wedding night, I’m pretty sure that those kisses are what really had you strongly desiring one another.

By experiencing moments where the two of you only kiss and don’t have sex (at least initially), it builds up the same anticipation that you had when you two were first exploring each other on a physical level. Not only is that erotic, it can be a form of foreplay on a whole ‘nother level. Try it. You’ll get what I’m talking about.

Whenever a couple comes to me who are, quite frankly, so sick and tired of each other that they can’t think of too many good reasons to stay together anymore, one thing that I will recommend is that they jot down 10 things that initially attracted them to one another. Then I ask them to place the lists in a place where they both can view them on a daily basis.

There are two benefits that come with doing this. One, it reminds you of why you chose each other to begin with. Two, on the days when you really don’t feel all that great about your decision (because let’s be real … sometimes those days do indeed happen), you can look at the list and remember why you should not regret who you chose. As a bonus, you can also look at their list to see why they also chose you. That can come in super handy on the days when you might not be feeling all that great about yourself.

The internet has done a lot of good. But as one of my favorite quotes reveals, “The excess of a virtue can be a vice." While there is something to be said for sexting (I’ll have to touch on that at another time), you can’t convince me that, as far as correspondence goes, there is something more romantic than a handwritten love letter that is either put underneath a pillow in the bedroom or, even better, sent through the mail.

It doesn’t have to be long and elaborate. What I often recommend for people who aren’t big writers is to get some really nice blank cards. Then write an encouraging message for the day, something that they appreciate about their partner lately and/or a nice lil’ nasty note that will make them want to rush home as soon as possible. Seeing that in each other’s writing? How can that not cultivate a few warm fuzzies?

I used to think that love languages didn’t change much. What I mean by that is, whatever your “top two” are when you first discover what love languages are all about, that’s pretty much what they’re gonna be for the rest of your life. However, as I’m getting older and as I’m also observing many of the couples that I interact with, I realize that as we change, the ways that we prefer love to be expressed to us will sometimes change too. Anyway, just so we’re all clear on what the five love languages are:

1. Physical Touch

2. Words of Affirmation

3. Acts of Service

4. Quality Time

5. Gifts

One day, while you and your spouse are hanging out, bring up what each of your two primary love languages were when you first started seeing each other. Then discuss if those have changed. If not, ask each other if you’re both doing a good job at “speaking” them. If they have indeed shifted, ask each other how you both would like them expressed in present day. I’m telling you — being loved in the way that you like to be loved most? There is nothing like it in the world.

I’m all for married people having confidantes to vent and look to for insight, even about their relationship. What I will say about that, though, is what I once heard someone tell me — complain to someone who can help you. In other words, it makes no sense to just be exchanging negativity about your marriage and/or your partner with someone else who is just as dissatisfied in their own relationship. It also serves no great purpose to constantly gossip about your spouse and/or to use your friends as a platform for you to verbally humiliate your partner (because you wouldn’t want your partner to do that to you … right?).

Instead, try and make it a habit to brag on your partner more often. You know, there’s a husband I know who says that although he knows his wife’s flaws very well, it’s his job to present her in the best possible light at all times. I adore that.

Besides, negativity bias is a very real thing. If you’re constantly focusing on what you don’t like, it’ll be hard to remember what you actually do. Bottom line, unless you’re in an arranged marriage, you chose your spouse. Bragging on them, in a way, affirms you for the decision that you made. It’s a form of validation for you both.

Getting off of the grid. It’s something that I personally don’t think married folks do enough. No kids. No friends. No phones (well, leave your phone on vibrate if you happen to have kids). And the thing is, when you decide to center your quality time around a road trip, it can save you quite a bit of money as well. You can put on some of your favorite music, pack up some favorite snacks and just … drive to the next town, city or state. Camp out. Stay in a bed and breakfast. Go hotel hunting. It’s totally up to you.

When you were dating your partner and it looked like things were getting serious, someone might’ve recommended that you go on a road trip because it can reveal a lot about your communication styles and tolerance levels (that’s quite true). Now that you’ve got some — pardon the pun — miles under your belt, head back out again to see how far you’ve come. Also, talk about what your first trip alone together was like. At the very least, you should be able to get a few laughs outta that. Right?

Did you know that only around 30% of families eat together on a consistent basis? Did you also know that most couples only spend 2 1/2 hours a day together, including on the weekends? Listen, we’ve all got hectic schedules and trying to squeeze time in with the ones we love most can be a real challenge at times. One way to work around that is to prioritize eating with your partner, at least a couple times a week.

If you already do this by having breakfast or dinner as a family every day, awesome. Still, remember this is all about giving you butterflies and giggles again, so try and find a way for you and your spouse only to “break bread” (or something). Maybe push dessert back until after the kids are down or let the kids hang out on their own on the weekends and enjoy breakfast in bed. It will be even more of a “high” if you cook the dessert and breakfast together. It’s another awesome way to get some quality time in.

Talk about getting back to your first year of dating. Do you remember the days when you both wanted to look your best for each other? How excited you were to pick out the right outfit and to paint your toes a really pretty color? What made you want to invest so much time, effort and energy then as opposed to now?

I already know that some of you are probably staring at the screen and saying, “Romance kind of goes out of the door when you’re washing someone’s underwear and cleaning the bathroom that they spend so much time in.” Noted. Still, getting dressed up to go out can still evoke some pretty great feelings. Try it. Tell me that I’m wrong after you do it.

Some of you might’ve thought that I should put the word “flirt” here, but I try to be pretty literal and I don’t like that it means “to behave or act amorously without emotional commitment; toy or play with another's affections; dally” and “to deal playfully or carelessly; trifle." If you’re married, you should be way past those games at this point.

Now seduction? That’s something that you and your partner should always be down to do. One definition is “to win over; attract; entice." Another is “to persuade or induce to have sexual intercourse."

When’s the last time you seduced your spouse? When’s the last time they seduced you?

It’s pretty close to impossible to not get the fires going strong when seduction is happening.

There you have it — 12 ways to get you back to feeling like you used to when things were new. And before you get to implementing some of these things, just know that feeling a little weary and ho-hum sometimes is normal. The key is to not get comfortable feeling that way. Tips like these aren’t hard to apply. All you need is the desire to keep your relationship going strong. If you do that, you’ll be amazed what you can come up with — even outside of these get-back-to-how-you-felt-years-ago hacks. Enjoy!

Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.