As a Mom With Cancer for the Third Time, My Job Is To Protect My Kids

When it came time to the talk to the kids, I used my own instincts and tried to do what I thought was best for each one of them as individuals. We created little safe spaces for us to share as a family. When I would be recovering from surgery or experiencing negative side effects from chemo, we would set up camp in our bedroom and watch movies or our favorite television shows together. Sometimes we would even eat dinner together in our bedroom.

We tried to make it fun for everyone, so I wasn’t hidden away from them but always present. I personally never got too deep with them about anything. My husband took on that role. He would be more forthright with them then I ever would be.

I’m always practicing self-deprecation in a feeble attempt to bring attention to the obvious without having to get to deep but rather get a laugh so we can move on. I believe that as much as I may not want to talk about it, others may not want to hear about it. That’s what my husband is for. Ha Ha. He is living in my reality for the most part – at least 70% of my reality. The rest belongs just to me, and I’m sure it will always stay that way.

They are young adults this time around and have a better understanding of what cancer is.

So, while I do still tend to always put on a positive face, I also feel like I can be more real about the situation. They’ve both done their own independent research, so I can’t lie to them that’s for sure. The first time around I always wore a wig in the house, but now they see me bald. Anthony rubs my bald head and makes a wish. Alexandria and I share hats and bandanas. And they are now more prone to beat me to the punch and crack jokes at my expense. It’s great. If you can’t laugh at this absurdity, you’re left with crying about it.

They have their dad for support and for any necessary talks about the technical/medical side of all of this. They can most certainly discuss anything with me, but I find that they tend to protect me as much as I try to protect them. And for us it works.

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Our children learn from listening and observing us. It’s important we teach them tolerance and perseverance and, most importantly, how to handle uncomfortable situations. We can’t just discount their feelings because we think they are too young. We need to include them in what’s going on in their home in a way that they can understand and not be afraid of. There may be some tough days for everyone, but that’s OK, too.

The children shouldn’t need to worry about anything! They only need to manage expectations. For example, I probably won’t make it to the nighttime soccer game in the cold and rain. But that’s OK because Dad will be there. And I may not be making plans for a while but rather have more spur of the moment adventures because things change minute by minute. But I think it can be a positive thing as it teaches them flexibility.

And when your household seems to be turned upside down, just embrace the changes and find a way. A picnic in the bedroom is fun! Anything that keeps the family unit together is a win for all of us.