How To Argue With Our Partner in a Healthy (& Productive) Way

There is a couple I know currently going through a divorce. I’m extremely close to the wife and have had a few sessions with them both, so I can cosign with her when she says that their relationship was extremely unhealthy. A big part of the reason is because in order for there to be some sort of peace within the home, she’s basically had to walk on eggshells. Otherwise, her husband will challenge her to the wall, gaslight her to no end, and/or make true mountains out of molehills — not every once in a while either … fairly often.

Why was he so antagonistic? A huge part of it is because that’s how his parents interacted with one another while he was growing up (something to keep in mind parents — your kids pick up on more than you think). Add that to the fact that he’s a supreme know-it-all and his idea of a happy marriage is having a fan (someone who constantly is in awe of him) more than a partner (someone who holds him accountable as they support and encourage him) — and there you have it. So to him, if you’re not totally on board with what he’s talking about, you’re fighting with him, and when you think someone is your enemy, you’re not going to fight fair.

Lawd, can you imagine how draining it is to deal with someone like that? Unfortunately, many individuals are wired just this way because they don’t understand the difference between a discussion, an argument, and a fight.

Two people can want to scratch beneath the surface of a topic to gain some clarity. That is a discussion.

Two people can struggle with seeing things from the same perspective and still respectfully share their opinions. That is an argument.

Two people who are coming from a place of only wanting to be heard, not valuing another’s points of view, and refusing to let the matter go until they feel like they’ve “won?” That leans more into “fight” territory.

The reason why I bring all of this up is because in order to come to some sort of resolution, it’s a good idea to know if what you’re in is a discussion, an argument, or an actual fight. Which is it?

Lawd. I can only imagine how many arguments and fights would turn into discussions if folks followed this first tip. I say this because I can’t tell you how many times I have mediated an argument that turned into a series of fights, all because the couple didn’t really have a goal in mind before the engagement even began. All they wanted to do was vent or insult or blame — and usually, that resolves absolutely nothing.

That’s why, before arguing with your spouse, you should think about what you want the outcome to be — and please let it be more than “Him saying that I was right and he was wrong” because that’s nothing more than your ego talking and egos care very little about preserving love or manifesting peace.

For instance, if the issue is you’re sick of your in-laws not respecting your boundaries during the holidays and it tends to be an ongoing issue, reflect on what has been the problem in years prior and think about what you want to see happen this year. Be specific. Be realistic. Bullet point your needs, if necessary.

Honestly, doing this will not only help the conversation to go more smoothly but it’s also been my experience that husbands don’t do as well in abstracts (such as “Handle your mother, please!”) anyway. The more black and white you can be, the more you can come to a resolution that is clear and concrete to you both.

We’ve all heard the saying that timing is everything, and boy does this ring true when it comes to arguing with your spouse. Because really — who wants to argue first thing in the morning or right when they get off of work? Who wants to argue when they are tired or aren’t feeling well? Who wants to argue on the days when things are super hectic in the house?

When you’re already feeling totally drained and/or super preoccupied and/or extremely frazzled, all an argument does is trigger you — and when you’re triggered, that tends to make it harder to come to any sort of resolve. In fact, more times than not, it only makes matters worse.

So when is the right time to have an argument? Eh — I think the more important point is to be intentional about how you broach the topic (or topics) in the first place. Rather than just flying off of the handle, riddling your spouse with a ton of questions, or berating them with accusations, a far more beneficial approach would be to say, “When you get a chance, can we talk about something?” and then share a window of when you would like to address the matter.

And no, the window shouldn’t be within the next 20 to 30 minutes ONLY. Give your partner one to two days if need be — just hold them to whatever timeframe they agree to. That gives them time to process and prepare so the discussion can come from a calmer and more respectful space — which is always the most ideal.

Although it used to be said that 80% of conversations are nonverbal/body language, the current belief is that it’s more in the lane of “55% nonverbal, 38% vocal, and 7% words only.” Either way, body language plays a HUGE role in communication, and that’s definitely something to keep in mind while arguing with your spouse.

Some examples of not just poor but oftentimes condescending and even triggering body language include eye rolling, feet tapping, crossed arms, turning your body away from your partner while they’re talking, pursing your lips, avoiding eye contact, and looking down at your phone. All these things do is belittle what they are saying and/or translate that you don’t really care about their input — and that usually only makes people more frustrated, which can turn the argument to another matter entirely.

Bottom line here: When you’re arguing with your spouse, it’s important to extend the golden rule of doing to them what you would want them to do to you. For starters, this means doing the exact opposite of all of the things that I just shared as far as poor body language examples go.

Mature people hold themselves accountable, and although what I’m about to say may be one of the biggest “ouches” heard across the world, unfortunately a lot of immature people are married. I have a theory about why many individuals struggle so much with accountability. It has to do with the fact that if you were poorly corrected as a child — meaning you were disciplined just as much for simply being a kid as you were for doing something wrong, you were physically disciplined a lot, and/or you were yelled at often — you probably told yourself that once you grew up and you could have more control over your life that you weren’t going to let anyone tell you ANYTHING.

Problem with that is, until you die, you need folks in your life who will call you out when you’re wrong, challenge you to grow in areas, and help you to develop your weaknesses — and one of those main people should be your spouse. In fact, I believe that your most important accountability partner should be your spouse.

And if there is one time when accountability oftentimes gets called to the carpet, it’s during an argument. That said, if you don’t want your partner to do it a lot, hold your own self accountable. Acknowledge where you were wrong. Mention areas where you could stand to improve. Apologize for times when you messed up.

I promise you that if both people did this more often, arguments would happen less — if they happened very much at all — because when both people are willing to verbally state where they can stand to be better, that takes their partner off of the defense, softens their stance, and makes them want to do the same thing in return.

Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.