How To Rekindle The Romance Once the Kids Are No Longer So Needy

This sounds so simple but it’s so hard for so many. Talking and listening are game changers. Openly and honestly talk to your partner about your feelings and desires and encourage your partner to do the same. It must be a judgement-free zone. No one wants to get vulnerable and then be made fun of or scolded. Your partner wants to lick your feet? So what! It’s not going to hurt anyone, and hey — ask for a good rub while he’s down there. Win-win. Share your thoughts on what you both can do to bring back the romance and do those things.

This one is so important and a lot of us don’t do it. Make time for each other, away from the responsibilities of daily life. Schedule date nights or weekend getaways to reconnect and strengthen your bond. For a few years, we’ve both been so busy just trying to pay the bills, advance our careers, and make sure the kids survive that we’ve been all about everyone else but ourselves and each other. By the end of the night, I just want to take a hot bath and watch K-dramas, and he decompresses by playing Call of Duty with my brothers.

No harm, no foul, right? Wrong. Sure, it is fine to do that most of the time, but if your spouse wants your attention, turn off the television, back away from the PlayStation, and go do something together. Take a walk, watch a movie in each other’s arms, sit on the back deck with a couple of margaritas, and just simply talk like you used to in the beginning. It’s not about what you do; it’s about doing it together with the person you love.

This can be difficult. If I’m being honest, the Big Guy and I didn’t have a lot in common in the first place. But over the years, we’ve started to take interest in what the other does, and even if we don’t love it, we do it together. For example, I’m a huge Reggaetón music fan and he had never heard of it before. I took him to a concert, and now he's down for it any time. He likes to watch history documentaries; I prefer true crime. We’ve both sat through many documentaries for the other, and now, that is a common interest.

It’s not about the hobby, it’s about the togetherness. Try to find activities or hobbies you both enjoy and explore them together. We love to travel, and this is something that brings us closer. The simple act of doing it together and sharing the experience can help reignite the connection you had before the busyness of life and exhaustion of children took over.

Show affection through hugs, kisses, and small gestures of love. This is something I saw in my home growing up for my entire childhood. My entire family is very physical. We like to touch, feel, hug, kiss, hold hands, and just be held and hold the person we love. Physical intimacy is essential for keeping the romance alive. It not only sends the signal that you love your partner, but it also makes the initiator feel loved by being physically intimate.

Or like I like to call it, shock and awe. I love doing this, and, luckily, I married someone who loves doing this as well. Surprise your partner with thoughtful gestures, gifts, or special outings to keep the excitement alive.

Let me tell you about the most innocuous thing my husband ever did that I thought was the sexiest thing ever. One night at dinner I was eating and realized I was coming to the last bite and said out loud, 'I really wish I had just one more bite.' I was simply thinking out loud. I was super tired and hungry and just said it. This man looked at me, took the last bite of his hamburger (that I knew he wanted ... he’s 6’5” and weighs 250 lbs.) and handed it to me.

He stopped fulfilling his own need because he put a higher priority on mine. It meant so much to me because I feel like a lot of what I do as a wife and mother goes unseen. In that moment, I knew he saw me. I nearly cried. Also, I split that last bite with the sexiest man alive in my house that night.

Take the time to acknowledge and appreciate each other's efforts and contributions to the relationship. I always say thank you, and I am a big fan of praising people because why not? Life is too ridiculously short not to, especially when they deserve it. Say it. Tell people you love them and how wonderful they are, and say it often and loudly.

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Maintain a sense of humor and find joy in each other's company. Laughter can be a powerful bonding experience. This is one thing my husband and I have always had in common: We love to laugh and to make others laugh. Taking things too seriously and not having a sense of humor will make it harder to get through the difficult bits.

Remind yourselves of the love and commitment you share and recommit to nurturing the relationship. We do this through talking and nostalgia. I love to talk about the story of our dating to married life because it was a whirlwind, and every time we do so, it reaffirms to both of us that this love was so big and bold it took us from meeting to engaged in four months. And 26 years later, he still gives me butterflies. I make sure to remind him often that this relationship and his love are everything to me.

Literally get in a car, plane, train, boat, bus, or rocket ship together and go anywhere, as a couple. It can be a long weekend in Aruba, two weeks in Europe, or a staycation in the nearest city. The destination is irrelevant. The important thing is that you get yourselves out of your doldrum routine and experience something or some place new together.

Don’t feel like a failure if you can’t reconnect on your own. If you find it challenging to rekindle the romance without help, don't hesitate to seek guidance from a marriage counselor or therapist. There is no shame in doing whatever needs to be done to save your relationship.

Remember: The most important thing is to be kind, patient, and understanding with one another as you navigate this new phase of your life and your relationship. You just have to remember how it felt being with your partner before kids came along. Remember who you were and who they were and be those people.