I'm Pregnant & It Makes Me Feel Like a Bad Mom
I hate saying it out loud or even writing it, but I have something I have to get off my chest … since getting pregnant six months and seventeen days ago, I feel like a s----y mom. You see, I had my “ideal” version of what being pregnant with my second child would look like — I was excited to share this pregnancy with my 4-year-old daughter and really soak in these nine months of getting her ready for her new role as a big sister, while also enjoying these last moments as a family with just our one child.
But pregnancy had other plans. My pregnancy has been a bit of roller coaster, to be honest.
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The day after I found out I was pregnant, I came down with a very high fever.
That then led to an intense throat infection. Since I was pregnant, most medicine was off the table and for days, the pain was so bad, I could barely get down a few sips of water.
Within a few weeks, morning sickness kicked in.
I was nauseous all the time and vomiting up to seven times a day. Since I was barely eating or keeping food down, I was constantly tired, cranky, and just overall, felt like crap. My morning sickness lasted for nearly five months.
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Then, as if this wasn’t enough, allergy season kicked in and anyone who suffers from seasonal allergies knows just how bad this year has been.
Once again, since most medicine isn’t recommended, my allergies were taking the life out of me. They were the worst they had been in years. One day, they were so bad, I could barely breathe and had to call 911.
Having my daughter see me hooked up to a ventilator was not ideal.
Allergies also had me struggling with a horrible cough that then caused my ribs to hurt. Every time I coughed, sneezed, reached above my head (for instance, when showering) or had to get up from lying down, the pain was so bad, I was convinced my ribs were broken.
With all of these ups and downs, quite frankly, I feel like my mothering has really taken a nosedive.
I don’t have the supposed pregnancy glow and extra pregnancy-fueled energy. I’m not my usual bright and bubbly self. And to be honest, I hate it. This is extra disheartening because I am usually such an active and hands-on mom.
Since my daughter has yet to attend school, I make sure our days are filled with coloring, reading, playing with board games and puzzles, and overall fun.
I hate feeling as though my pregnancy is causing me to be a s----y mom.
Because truthfully, that’s what I feel like right now. There have been days that I have been so tired from lack of sleep or vomiting or allergies, that I can barely get up to use the bathroom. You can imagine what that means as a mom. It means when my daughter wants to do something — whether it’s take a walk, go to the park, or play with me, most of the time — I’ve had to say no and explain that mommy’s too tired. I try to tell her that pregnancy can be hard and it’s up to me to keep her baby brother happy and safe.
It breaks my heart because I wanted these nine months to be special — for me, my husband, and for my daughter.
But it’s not working out the way I had hoped it would. I know this can all be chalked up to the dreaded “mom guilt” and I wish there was a way around it, but for me, there’s not. When my daughter says “play with me” and I just physically can’t do it, it kills me. It really does.
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Because I know I won’t get these moments back when our son is born in just a few short months.
I won’t get these moments back with just my daughter and being a mom of one. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, because right now, even though it may not feel this way, my body is in constant working mode.
I am working hard to protect my son and keep him safe and healthy. And the only way I can do that, is by keeping myself safe and healthy. It’s a huge responsibility and only I can do this.
While it has been anything but easy, I’m trying to work around this and do the most I can for our daughter.
Is it all perfect? No. But it’s as perfect as can be.
Every day, we cuddle in bed and have pillow fights. We take long bubble baths together. And we read too many books at night (is there such a thing as reading too much? Of course not!). On days when I’ve managed to get a good night’s sleep and am feeling more energized, I try to do a little more — maybe breakfast out to get my daughter's favorite croissants or running errands where we turn putting groceries in the cart into a fun game. I’m doing what I can, while also protecting the baby growing inside me.
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