Mom With: What Living With ADHD Is Like for a Mom of 5
Our monthly column MOM WITH aims to redefine what it means to be a "normal" mother by focusing on how it feels to live with a mental disorder. We see you, we hear you, and we're in this together.
Crystal Karges, a mom and registered dietitian and nutritionist specializing in maternal children’s health, has come to learn in the last year that she has ADHD. Though she’s not quite sure how long she’s struggled with ADHD, the inattentive type, she is sure it has been present since her childhood, though at the time, no one was aware of it.
“In terms of the ADHD, I believe I had this condition prior to becoming a mother, though being a parent has certainly made it more challenging for me,” Crystal, who has three boys and two girls who range in age from 4 to 12, tells CafeMom. “I've struggled with poor time management and disorganization. It also became harder for me to prioritize tasks in my home and with my children.”
All mothers can relate to feeling overwhelmed with time management and getting life organized. Sometimes, even simple tasks can turn into a struggle for anyone with children. That’s completely normal and expected.
But for Crystal, who struggles with ADHD, sometimes this can make motherhood all the more challenging.
Although ADHD can affect parenting in a variety of ways, it’s important to note that the disorder, when understood, accepted, and treated with life hacks/meds/coaching or therapy when needed, can be a superpower, explains Robin Hornstein, a licensed clinical psychologist.
“Moms with ADHD can be fun, spontaneous, and loving with their kids. On the other side, all people who identify as mom can feel overwhelmed with tasks and expectations of themselves or from those around them,” Hornstein says. “Making sure (to complete) all the tasks one is trying to accomplish is difficult for most, but with ADHD, it can be hard to manage some of the tasks when one feels distracted and pulled all over the place.”
Hornstein points out that at times, feeling like a failure can become not only frustration with yourself but with your kids, and ADHD moms can find they have short fuses because kids are naturally going to distract us from any best-laid plans to get through each day.
Having ADHD, which causes her to feel scattered-brained and disorganized, can sometimes make Crystal feel like a huge hindrance when it comes to being a mother.
With patience, she has learned to develop systems to better help her navigate her responsibilities as a parent, though she admits that it can still be challenging.
“I've also had difficulty following through and completing tasks, which only seemed to become more of a struggle when we started growing our family and with increasing responsibility,” Crystal explains. “I also have the tendency to hyperfocus on certain projects while neglecting more pressing issues that need to be taken care of in our home. Sensory overload is a daily struggle, where my tolerance and threshold for noise and information is quite low and I get overstimulated easily.”
Crystal also struggled with postpartum depression after the birth of her children and suffered from an eating disorder seven years before welcoming her first child.
To keep everything in line, Crystal relies on attending therapy regularly, which she says has been life-changing.
“Being prone to overstimulation can also make it harder for me to engage with my children without wanting to escape the situation or disassociate from myself,” Crystal explains. “Therapy has been instrumental in helping me learn how to self-regulate so I can be a more present mother with my kids.”
On a good day, Crystal doesn’t feel overrun by her own thoughts and is able to engage with her children in an intentional way. She feels more grounded and aware of how she is moving through the day and has more capacity to focus on what matters to her, such as caring for her kids and being present for them.
“On a bad day, it feels like I can't get out of my own head,” Crystal admits. “I'm self-absorbed with my thoughts and feel like a ping pong ball as I move through my day, bouncing from one thing to the next. I'm highly distracted, which makes it challenging to engage with my kids in a meaningful way. I feel particularly triggered by noise and messes, which further keeps me from being present in our home environment. I may even isolate myself when feeling overstimulated, which makes it hard to participate in mealtimes, conversations, etc."
Hornstein says that for moms who have ADHD, the first thing to do when they are overwhelmed is to stop — literally stop.
“Sitting and breathing for a few moments is not a bad tool to teach our kids and can help re-center us with what we want the priority to be,” says Hornstein, who adds that using support systems is key.
Moms with ADHD can feel such shame that they don't ask for the help they need and that compounds bad feelings. Using support and re-evaluating tasks can be so freeing. In addition, no one – not even non-ADHD moms – is doing it all.
As of now, Crystal doesn’t believe her children are aware of her struggles and says that she hasn’t shared them with her children yet.
She does notice that her oldest tends to be aware of her scatteredness and may often help her with simple things that she tends to forget. Crystal also suspects that one of her children may also have inattentive ADHD and wants to do what she can to help her.
Being a mother is about providing a safe and loving environment for our children; that is what children feel and see from their mothers. They don’t see our flaws. Being a normal mother is a relative term, as mothers have shown that mental health challenges do not stand in the way of being wonderful mothers. For our children, we are perfect. We are all different and that is what makes us unique.
“Having a mental health condition doesn't take away from the love you have for your children and your capacity to be a good mother,” Crystal says.
“There's so much stigma around maternal mental health, making it hard for moms to connect to the help and support they need. It's important to remember that there are resources out there to help you, and you don't have to navigate this alone. You are so much more than any condition. Trying to see myself through my children's eyes helps me to remember that.”
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