Mom With: Living With Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) & Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
Our monthly column MOM WITH aims to redefine what it means to be a "normal" mother by focusing on how it feels to live with a mental disorder. We see you, we hear you, and we're in this together.
Kathryn Cintron, a stay-at-home mom, has suffered from major depressive disorder, or MDD, since she was 14 years old. At 20 years old, she endured the worst possible pain a mother can imagine and lost a child. After that tragic event, she began suffering from generalized anxiety disorder, or GAD.
“Depression and anxiety are common following the loss of a child,” says psychologist Emily Guarnotta. “A parent who is already experiencing depression and anxiety and then experiences a miscarriage, stillbirth, or death of a child may find that their symptoms get worse.”
Guarnotta suggests that professional treatment, social support, and self-care can all help a parent cope with loss. “Therapy and medication can address symptoms of anxiety and depression. Support groups for parents who have experienced a loss and connecting with family and friends may be helpful, as well as eating and sleeping well.”
Kathryn believes her depression is genetic because her great-grandmother suffered from it as well.
“Motherhood is much more difficult because of my mental health struggles, but motherhood also gives me a reason to get up each morning when I think I can’t go any longer,” she says.
Kathryn has made a great effort to use natural remedies to keep her anxiety and depression under control — such as by following a healthy diet, exercising regularly, and using supplements. But after a period of suffering from severe anxiety, she got back on SSRI and secondary medicine. She also had to take antidepressants after having both of her children and struggling with postpartum depression. Although she has also gone to therapy over the years, she admits that she did not go as consistently as she should have.
“I feel like I am failing my kids. I feel like my sadness infects my kids, and that my bad days will be all they remember,” says Kathryn.
Any mother who suffers from depression or anxiety can sadly relate to this feeling — this constant cloud that our struggles will affect our children and be all that they recall of their childhood.
“I feel like my anxiety limits my children’s ability to enjoy life because I struggle with things like travel, changes in schedule, and ‘spur of the moment’ type things. I feel like my kids deserve a better mom,” she says.
For Kathryn, a good day means getting up, making her kids a healthy breakfast, and getting them settled in for school. (She homeschools.)
It means she is on top of cleaning the house, and her stress level (on a scale of 1 to 10) is less than a 5. It means structure and normalcy.
Kathryn says that good days often lead to fun outings to the park or bookstore or even just more one-on-one playtime. On the good days, Kathryn has the energy to play outside with her kids, have a good meal around the dinner table, read bedtime stories, and be present. Good days are lots of laughter and a light, airy feeling around the house. Kathryn says that the good days make bad days more bearable.
“Bad days often lead to more bad days,” Kathryn explains. “Sometimes, if I am really struggling, it can lead to a bad week. Bad days mean I struggle to get out of bed. Breakfast is whatever is easiest — frozen waffle, etc. It means there’s going to be minimum 'hands-on' time, and they can watch more TV than usually allowed. It means I am tired, probably from crying and poor sleep the night before, and moody. I try extremely hard to never take it out on my kids, and give extra hugs when I am like this, but I feel like I am still probably irritable.
"Bad days mean I am quiet, overwhelmed, and anxious," she continues. "Dinner will probably be something frozen or canned soup and a sandwich, and bedtime will consist of letting them lay with me and watch Scooby Doo instead of reading a story. I am in bed a lot, and the house isn’t nearly as clean. Toys get brought into my bedroom instead of the playroom so I can supervise from bed. Bad days never mean less love, but I definitely feel like my ability to LOVE (as a verb) is waning and incompetent.”
Kathryn’s 14-year-old son is aware of her struggles and has been for some time.
When her son leads their family in prayer, he asks for God to take away his mother’s anxiety. Her 4-year-old is understandably not quite aware of her conditions, though she can recognize when her mom is sad — to which Kathryn will tell her that she is not feeling well.
Women, especially mothers, experience depression and anxiety at high rates.
“For some mothers, anxiety and depression may be due to the stresses of parenting,” Guarnotta explains. “These feelings can affect how a woman functions, her ability to care for herself and her family, and her relationships and work. Anxiety and depression can make it more difficult to carry out daily tasks and to find joy in life.”
Kathryn wants people to know that struggling with these issues doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love her kids or that she is not thankful for them.
She also wants people to know that it is not because she has a bad life or marriage or family dynamic.
“Struggling with these issues means that a part of my brain doesn’t work the right way. I have amazing kids and an incredibly supportive, loving spouse. We don’t look at moms who have visible, physical illnesses as weird, broken or failures,” she explains.
This has too long been an issue for “invisible illnesses” such as anxiety or depression, she believes.
“I don’t wake up and say “let’s have a bad day” or struggle with basic stuff,” she says. “And I wish I could make it go away. But I am right in the middle of one of the hardest battles with my mental health because of the ongoing pandemic, and right now, I feel like I am barely hanging on.”
Too often people think that if they can’t see a physical illness that it doesn’t exist or can’t be too serious.
That is absolutely not true. Illnesses such as anxiety or depression must be taken seriously — even if we can’t “see” them.
Kathryn wants to feel as though her mental health does not define her. She wants to be recognized as someone who does enough for her children. She wants to believe that they will remember how hard she tried, and she wants to believe that they will remember the good days. And she also wants people to know that she doesn’t choose to feel like this.
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