How a New Mom's Battle With Depression & OCD Made Her Feel Motherhood Was a Mistake
Our monthly column MOM WITH aims to redefine what it means to be a "normal" mother by focusing on how it feels to live with a mental disorder. We see you, we hear you, and we're in this together.
Sari De has had bouts of depression since she was a teenager and was diagnosed with OCD late in life, at 28. Now the founder of Nine of Us, a DEI consultancy, she is also mom to her 9-month-old son and struggles daily.
“In my mid-30s, I was working at a tech company, doing 50/60 hour weeks and experienced pretty crippling burnout that showed up as panic attacks and anxiety, as well as physical symptoms like hair loss and slipping a disc in my back” Sari tells CafeMom.
OCD can affect motherhood in a variety of ways, explains Dr. Robin Hornstein, a psychotherapist.
“First of all, we could be talking about obsessive thoughts that interfere with being present,” Hornstein says. “An example of this could be constantly thinking that you are a bad mom and examining things you have said or done that are evidence to you that this is true. This could be accompanied by not being aware and emotionally available for your children or constantly comparing yourself to other moms. OCD can have so many presentations; some can be compulsive behaviors. There are so many ways this hits new moms. Having a child means your whole world changes and the responsibility can feel crippling.”
Sari realized her mental health struggles were destroying her, so she decided it time for a drastic change.
She has since recovered, thanks to a combination of medication, group therapy, and individual therapy, as well as acupuncture, meditation, and dietary changes. When Sari discovered she was pregnant, she began taking her medication again and found a therapist who specialized in PPD so she could prepare herself prior to giving birth.
“I knew that my history would predispose me to postpartum depression, so I thought I was ‘ready’ for it. I had a therapist I could rely on; my husband and I had discussed it and I had an OBGYN I trusted.
"What I didn’t realize was that PPD was sneakier. It didn’t feel like depression the way I had experienced it before. I was tired, sure, but I was also sleeping very little. I didn’t feel sad or teary or in over my head. Instead, I felt like I had made a terrible mistake. I didn’t want to be a mother and while I didn’t want anything bad to happen to my child, I also didn’t want him in my life," she tells us.
"That was really hard to admit to anyone, so I hid that because I was worried about what people might think. I told myself, 'I’m not the mom who gazes at her child sleeping or feels blown away by the wonder of creation.' I was just a different kind of mother. I felt suffocated by the demands of a newborn and fantasized about escaping my life – running away to a new country and changing my name. At the same time, I have a strong sense of responsibility and loved my pre-baby life, and my husband and decided I would have to ‘muscle out’ the next 18 years of my life.”
Postpartum depression is a specific type of depression that occurs after a woman gives birth.
Symptoms can include mood swings, crying excessively, anxiety, and trouble sleeping. About one in seven women can develop postpartum depression. Mothers who experience OCD can certainly experience depression, although it may be unclear which came first, and treatment is imperative.
“Postpartum depression can be experienced along with postpartum OCD, which is where we may see the onset of either of these disorders for the mom,” Hornstein says. “Losing sleep, experiencing birth (or adoption), having challenging moments or not enough support can all add to the picture of a mom who has OCD and depression. We want to build in the supports in the community.”
For Sari, on a good day, she feels her child is her joy.
She is in awe of him and watches his humanity unfold. “Seeing him learn to stand or laugh or discover a new toy is a joy and a wonder and I am blown away to experience it alongside him," she says. "I feel lucky to be a mother and it feels like a privilege as opposed to a burden.”
On bad days, Sari feels overwhelmed. She will question again whether she made the right choice having a child. She thinks about the pre-baby life she and her husband gave up, the free time they had, and the price feels too high. There’s also the heavy burden of guilt Sari feels for thinking that about her child, and she says she feels worse since she’s never heard other mothers publicly state that there are moments they wish they weren’t a mom.
Hornstein says there is no shame in struggling with OCD or depression, yet both of these disorders can make one feel ashamed.
“The more we talk out loud about how our days and nights are actually going, the quicker we will get the help we need to have more carefree days as parents. Medication is often a lifesaver for new moms and can help get a mom into an easier daily life,” she explains.
Because Sari's son is only 9 months old and she has no physical symptoms, her child is obviously not aware of her struggles. “I also work really hard to control my emotions around him as I feel like at this age, he picks up on energy and my stress and anxiety only makes it worse for him, which makes it harder for me,” she shares.
Sari says she is in love with her son now.
She stares at him sleeping and finds joy in his company. She still has moments fantasizing about running off to Rome and being anonymous, but it’s an amusing thought as opposed to a desperate lifeline.
“It’s also OK to love your child beyond belief and prioritize your mental health and well-being at times," she says. "I take time to sit still and read, which brings me joy. I work out every day, and I work with my partner to find those pockets where we can both continue to be our own selves so we aren’t parents all day every day. It helps!”
Every mom deals with being a new mom differently, and some are not able to admit their struggles.
Sari wants other moms to know that it’s OK if they occasionally regret having a child.
“They are a huge disruption to life and when you’re struggling with depression or anxiety, life is hard enough. Babies are hard, kids are hard. It’s a normal part of the human experience, and it tells you that you had a wonderful life before your child," she tells us. "Some folks adjust faster than others. Those of us with anxiety and depression often react adversely to change and a baby is a huge change. Our runway for adjusting might be longer than others.”
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