What To Remember When Our Partner Gets on Our Last Nerve

There’s a guy I know who has three children with an ex in his life. Ever since they were teenagers (they got pregnant with their first child when they were literally adolescents), they’ve both been going ‘round and ‘round the question of if they should get married. Finally, I asked him what the deal was.

“I love her, I just don’t like her very much," he said. "We don’t see life the same way. She’s always complaining about something. She’s not the first person I think of when I want to go out and have fun. I don’t even know if she knows how to have fun.”

What he said is a top reason for why I think friendship should be the foundation of a romantic relationship. Because they were so young when they started their situation, sex and challenges played a bigger role than anything — and it looks like it’s still that way to this day.

When you like someone, you want to spend time with them. When you like someone, you enjoy how they see the world. When you like someone, being around them helps to bring out the best in you. When you like someone, you want to put in the time and effort to get closer in order to cultivate a more significant bond. When you like someone, you feel safe around them, they bring peace to your world and “fun” is a word that you would use to define spending time with them.

See how important liking someone is? See how important it is to like someone who you are married to?

Albert Einstein once said, “Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do, but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.” What he basically means here is folks don’t just randomly fall in love. You might be infatuated with someone. You might be seriously interested in someone. Yet contrary to popular belief, once you get to actually and truly loving another individual, that is a choice — a series of choices, at that.

The reason why a lot of people don’t believe that is because of rom-coms, love songs, and even misguided friends who always have stars in their eyes are constantly presenting love as nothing more than a romantic notion or feeling — and the reality is, feelings are fickle. And here’s the thing, if we don’t take responsibility for choosing to love who we do, chances are, we won’t take responsibility for not loving them anymore either … and that, too, is a thought-out decision.

It's kind of similar to way I loathe the term “make love.” Listen, sex is great ‘n all but if you’re relying on it to start or maintain a relationship, you are in for a HUGE disappointment (a series of them, actually). Sex is designed to celebrate a love that already exists not “make” it happen.

Plus, I try to be very intentional on how/when/why I use the word love. A lot of us are out here loving ice cream, loving a particular television show, and then loving our spouse and children to the point that the impact of the word has lost a lot of its potency. So, no wonder it’s easy to become flippant about it.

Between reducing love to only a feeling and then being nonchalant about the feeling — it’s easy to get how folks feel like they can “fall in” on Monday and “fall out” by Thursday. Yeah, love deserves far more respect than that. It really does.

I’ve always appreciated that in the Bible, the first definition of love is patience (I Corinthians 13:4-8). Patient doesn’t only mean “quietly and steadily persevering or diligent, especially in detail or exactness”; it also means “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like”. Right. Love is where the big kids play. Love is a really tall order.

Here's the thing, though. I can’t tell you how many people I know who are either in a serious dating dynamic, engaged, or married and they’ve got a laundry list of things that they consider to be deal-breakers with their partner. Yet when it comes to their friends? There’s barely anything at all.

Why? Because a lot of people process friendships as having more importance and longevity than romantic relationships — and a big part of that is because people don’t see their partner as an actual friend. And that’s sad. Shameful even.

When it comes to your girlfriends and platonic friendships, I’m willing to bet some pretty good money that you’ll go to the ends of the Earth for them and that there are already dozens of things that you’ve forgiven them for and worked through together. Why? Because you value the relationship, right? The hard times don’t overshadow the good ones.

So, why isn’t this same kind of perspective applied to your spouse? It probably would be if you made being friends with them more of a priority. This brings me to my next point.

I’ve had some married people debate with me that there is no need for spouses to be best friends. Usually, their argument is that your spouse shouldn’t be your everything and he should still have best friends outside of the union with his partner. I agree that no one should be anyone’s everything (including their children). But I am also word-literal and I know what best means.

Best: of the highest quality, excellence, or standing; most advantageous, suitable, or desirable; most excellent of a particular group, category, etc.

First of all, when you take in what best means, I don’t know how folks have “multiple bests.” OK, but to stay on task: If there is someone who you pledged to do life with for the rest of your life, shouldn’t that person be a friend? Adding to that, shouldn’t they be the highest quality of friend? A friend who is most suitable to you? A friend who is the most excellent out of the group of friends that you have? And if you disagree — why is that?

The spouses who I do know who consider themselves to be each other’s best friend, they are healthy, happy, and prefer each other’s company more than anyone else. Not so much because they are “in love,” but because they are in extreme like. That’s not a coincidence. It’s quite intentional.

And this point brings me to my final point and the inspiration behind the title for this piece.

Love is both powerful and highly relevant. There’s no way around that. But I will forever die on the hill that when two people genuinely like each other, oftentimes the “I don’t feel like I’m in love with you right now” moments aren’t something to get super freaked out about. I mean, think about it — aren’t there times when you are in love with your spouse yet you don’t feel like having sex? OK, now look at like and love in a similar fashion.

Based on however you perceive “in love” to feel, chances are, there are ebbs and flows of it. Meanwhile, something that tends to be pretty stable and consistent is like. Meaning, either you like someone or you don’t. Therefore, if the “like” is intact, it can “hold you over” until the lovey-dovey feelings come back. That’s because when you truly like someone, things like friendship, humor and having things in common can still keep you present in the relationship. You can literally like yourself back to love.

This is a topic that I am passionate about, so I could go on for at least five more points. Hopefully, this has given you enough to ponder, though. Yes, love is important — critical even. Yes, being in love is the goal. However, if like is present, it can be the fuel that keeps you on your journey.

Just ask the married people who are still together. Pretty sure they will tell you that “like” has definitely helped to pull them through.

Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.